Persona 4

"What the fuck is going on?”

A phrase often heard while I play JRPGs.

Not that a guy like me actually plays Japanese Role Playing Games; because I obviously don’t have the time in between yoga class, shopping at Pottery Barn and impressing the local film industry with my unique look. But let’s pretend for a second that I did, and that perhaps I’d played Persona 4 for a few hours.

Can any of you explain why I’m forced to wait two hours before I’m actually allowed to use the $60 controller in my hand? Don’t get me wrong, the ‘x’ button got a decent workout from the continuous skipping of dialogue between the random teenagers on view. The same teenagers that seem to be stuck in an emo phase from 2002. I’ve not seen so many guys with haircuts like that since I saw Taking Back Sunday performing at the ever so rock and roll Oxford Zodiac in the early part of this millennium.

I guess Japan still continues this trend?

This then begs the question; when I was a teenager, listening insanely to my minidisc player while taking the bus from my vestibule of Berkshire, to the bright city lights of Swindon; Did I make as little sense as these guys?

But I digress. Back to the issue at hand.

There is no crime in Japan.

This is a fact that has been proven by Wikipedia, and Otaku on every videogame forum when trying to defend their favourite Naruto episode.

So, when the Japanese game designers have to come up with a design for a mystery videogame revolving around some murders that weren’t committed in a BEAT Takeshi movie, they struggle.

Quite obviously, the only place to go is into the depths of bullshit.

After an uneventful couple of hours watching my emo eat noodles and speak inanely with his fellow emo’s, I’m presented with a pretty fucking awesome scenario.

It really opened my eyes.

The emo’s are in a department store, not unlike Debenhams or Sears, looking at some flat screen TVs. They discuss the prices, and everything seems much like it should do on a Victory Records internet forum. But suddenly, one of the emo’s decides he wants to actually jump through the TV set into the alternate world that exists beyond.

I’m pretty sure this is fairly real to life in Japan, because they’ve done a pretty good job of replicating everything else. So, next time I’m in Nagano, Snowboarding with Brad, Bryan and Billy, I really must check this little subsection of Japanese ecology.

Regardless, the emo’s pass through in the alternate world, and they’re presented with an exact replication of the real world. Only this world is inhabited by shadows and nasty people saying nasty things.

Your guide for your journey is a 4ft bear, dressed up like a clown named Teddie

I fucking kid you not.

It’s at this point I decided to take some Nytol, and retire to bed. It’s snowed quite a bit in Vancouver, and I’m hoping to go to the Mountain tomorrow. But fuck it, I quite look forward to calling in sick, and enjoying the rest of my experience with Teddie and emo. I do love a good mystery murder, especially when they revolve around real-to-life situations.

Skate 2

Do you know what’s wrong with videogames?

Skateboarding.

There are only a handful of industries in 2008 that have such little respect within the fashionable world of faux-hawks and yoga pants, that they have to rely on Skateboarding; The age old sport that we all grew up partaking in, and losing interest in as soon as we understood that girls might fuck us.

But rely on Skate 2 the industry must, because along with guns with chainsaws and plastic guitars, there aint a whole lot going on right now that’s keeping the industry at the forefront of the Esquire magazine.

I should know, I subscribe.

S2 picks up, believe it or not, exactly where S1 left off, being that both games are exactly the fucking same. Oh yeah, you can walk around, and move some garbage bins, but you’re still skating around the same streets of Vancouver/LA/Barcelona. You’re still being asked to make random movements with your right thumb, in an attempt to complete specific tricks, and you’re still being bored (pun intended) stupid by the repetitious nature of a videogame centered on skateboarding.

Tell me if I’m wrong, but skateboarding for me was all about trying to fit In, and look cool. It was also about progression. The better the tricks you could do, the cooler you were, and the more friends you had. So surely there’s something backwards about a singular experience, in your house, on your own, trying to do fake tricks, in a fake city, on a fake skateboard? Who the fuck are you going to impress with that? Guaranteed your wife won’t give a shit, even if she might enjoy the remixed Bob Marley tracks, and you’re sure as shit not going to pick up a girl in a club with tales of your three-sixty flips in a videogame.

So what is the reason for this game? I was holed up in EA Burnaby for a few hours, playing a retardedly buggy build with a bunch of guys who obviously had no fucking clue about Skate culture, or what it takes to make a decent videogame.

“When he’s moving the trash can, I want to see his muscles bulge”, one young gentleman mentioned in the Q&A. It took every inch of my reserve to not stand up, salute the queen, and call him a retard. Once again, another (fatter) guy stood up, with his Vancouver Canucks T-Shirt in full view, and mentioned,

“The game is so close to real skateboarding”.

This time, I cracked.

The fact that there are people involved with this hobby who truly believe that Skate is a revolutionary experience, and that it somehow bridges the gap between real, cutting-edge culture and videogames makes me cringe. When will this industry grow the fuck up, employ some kids that know what the fuck they’re talking about, and leave the programmers and mathematicians to their Linux forums and Anime.

I do miss 1998 though. Skateboarding was fucking cool.

Prince of Persia

Wikipedia tells me that they’re making a movie based upon the Prince of Persia franchise. I’m hoping that this is either a joke or an attempt by a fictitious Wikipedia geek to fulfil his greatest desire. Regardless, I’ve  just played an hour or so of the latest Ubisoft ‘masterpiece’ (LOL) and I cant quite figure out if we’re playing Prince of Persia eight, or nine.

I remember sitting in front of my 286 failing to complete the original PoP, and simply getting to the same point time after time. Remember that part around level eight, where you have a huge gap to try and traverse? My seven year old brain simply couldn’t comprehend how the prince was supposed to navigate such a difficult space.

I doubt this twenty-three year old brain would have the patience to reach such a spot.

Which brings me nicely to this latest incarnation; it’s so fucking easy. This makes me happy, as I’m one of the few members of the gaming community seriously impaired by the difficulty in games. I need something that will either tell me exactly what to do, at all times, or take me on a journey, carrying me on their shoulders, like a fat Otaku does with his Vietnamese wife whist visiting Tokyo Disney World.

So why should we applaud its retard friendly gameplay? Because it’s December, I’m up to my bollocks in work, I’ve got a family to look after over Christmas, and I’ve got no times for bullshit. As a man who gets extremely frustrated when I take the incorrect line around a corner, pushing for the reset button at every single opportunity; it’s nice to be given the opportunity to play a videogame where it takes very little skill and ability to do very specific and stirring movements through the level.

Now I’m not going to pretend that this won’t get extremely boring, very quickly, but for a videogame that looks as pretty as it does, and carries this amount of majesty, there’s no shame in playing for half-an-hour and turning over to watch Coronation Street with the wife.

Another reason that I get a little hard thinking about this game is that it combines a few elements from some wonderful games, and works them in seamlessly. We all know about the Ico references, and it’s tedious to continually bang on it; but how do we feel about Okami and Assassins Creed having their innards thrown into the mix? Fuck, it even manages to remind me of the earlier PoP incarnations, which is something a number of sequels have a huge amount of trouble with. Should I be shocked that a franchise game actually reminds me of the earlier games?